[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.