throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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scrabbled eggs
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer