I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
They also CAN sing✌️
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.