ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na