ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.