My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
kitchen magnet
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?