There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
do u think theres a butter planet?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Nice try Hitler
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh