I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My neck, my back, my…
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I would like even faster food.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?