The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program