The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.