ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded