#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.