SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
They did not miss in the small print
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends