This will never not be funny 😭
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”