Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
#Caturday
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.