Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.