A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.