My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
kevin is now a local weatherman
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY