The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
as is their right
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me: