Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.