computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.