911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly