My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I was bored.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My brain is a bad influence on me
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying