My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The old gods are rising again.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*