[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“I FIXED IT!”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine