SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
black phone good
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please