A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
You Might Also Like
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army