[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for