If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.