You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16