I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.