Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
What a website
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
#NeverForget
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.