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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken