Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?