You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN