I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
☠️☠️☠️
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’ve been drinking.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.