the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛