OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
You Might Also Like
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.