Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*