When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Posting this on behalf of a friend