waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Your honor these allegations are
this is literally a CIA plant
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.