Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
You Might Also Like
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.