Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The future is now.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Just how popey was the pope today?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Leaving the Barbers like
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.