Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Meow
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”