My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family