Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.