Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh