Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.