Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Not helping
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
doing your own taxes
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: