Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I love twitter
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.